My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
