i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
