First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
