I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
