i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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