I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
