Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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