Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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