I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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