all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
