I faked an abortion last night.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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