One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
