My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
