someone get that fucking seahorse.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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