I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
