Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
