I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If I die, sorry about rent.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
