I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
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FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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