My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
