What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
