I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I am naked and annoyed.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
