I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
