he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
