Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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