Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
