Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
