...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
