I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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