Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
