I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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