i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
