Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
