She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
