i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
