I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
