The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
