I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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