I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
