omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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