Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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