It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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