Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
