we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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