im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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