it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
