Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
