He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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