Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
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