I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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