Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
