Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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