So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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