the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
