you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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