Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
