she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
