i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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