Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
