someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
