Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
